#15

Welcome to Weekly Whispers #15

This is a different sort of whisper this week.

It might be a shout for some of you… or a wee cry for others like it was for me this week.

If you’re in a sensitive place you may want to pause and read this later.

The date always jumps out of the calendar for me. Certain dates do that. Birthdays, anniversaries, global events or holidays, and the day my Dad passed.

This week marks 45 years since he was tragically killed in a car crash. I should have been in the car too but – and I think and hope it’s serendipitous – I wasn’t allowed. My Mum said no.

So, this whisper is predominantly to share my own experience of losing someone special, and for anyone else who may have lost someone dear, and for those that one day will.

Life will go on… but not as you knew it. From now on you’ve been shaped. I can’t tell you how you’ve been shaped but you’ve been shaped. I suspect everyone is shaped uniquely as a consequence of someone passing. Some carry the weight for a while, some forever. Some work through the grief by focusing on others until they confront it themselves. Me? I ignored it for a couple of decades reasoning that it was something else that brought me to my knees on occasions. It’s not necessarily a better or worse shape, it’s just different. What you do with that shape, and when and if you do something with it, will send you along a different path. Well, as I said, it’s a unique experience and it has for me.

It reminds me of the anecdote of two brothers whose father was on death row. Both brothers were interviewed about their upbringing, their views on the death penalty, and their views on their father, amongst other things. Interestingly, the brothers had taken different paths in life. One was in jail for 2 or 3 crimes, addicted to drugs, and had fallen on difficult times. The other was in a relationship, young kids, a pillar in our society one might imagine. At the end of the interview, the brothers were asked the same question, “How have you turned out like you have?”. And they both gave the same answer, “What do you expect with a father like mine”.

So, I don’t know how your loss will shape you but I’m fairly certain it will. It has certainly shaped me and I’ve written about it before, being the worst and best day of my life. It took me years to reconcile that dichotomy and it’s still an uncomfortable reflection. You can read my LinkedIn post here.

This isn’t meant to be a remedy or ‘top 5 tips to deal with grief’ kind of thing. Most people I know who have gone through grief have had very different personal experiences.

Here are some reflections that may or may not apply to your situation.

There’s some bad news – my pain and grief haven’t gone away. For me 45 years later, when it happens, the pain is the same or worse. It might be days, weeks, or months between moments but when they arrive, they hurt just as much as they ever did.

This year I’ve sent my Mum some old photos with a few words of acknowledgment of what she must have gone through and how grateful I am for her unconditional support. It nearly broke me in two for 20 minutes looking through the photos and composing the note.

There’s some good news – the time between each episode of my pain and grief has grown longer. I have vague recollections when I was younger of feeling emotional pain. I can’t really remember how that showed up as a teenager, but I recollect many occasions when I felt alone and needed to feel wanted and included. When I felt included – invited to a party, mates waiting for me in the corridor at school, instead of walking ahead - it boosted my esteem and worthiness – for a short while at least. And when I didn’t feel included? No one understood, it hurt like hell - more than the instigator would ever imagine or the situation would merit. I remember walking on my own through the town centre late at night, reflecting and pondering and trying to make some sense of what I was feeling and experiencing. I had no idea what this meant. Maybe influenced by the Conversations with God books by Neale Donald Walsch. The following day I told my pals that I was ‘talking to God". Weeks of ridicule followed. Now decades later… it’s one possible experience that has made me a little private, but not afraid to share my hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns in certain environments.

And there’s other news that’s neither good nor bad.

You won’t forget them. Whilst I have a few old photos and one of my Dad’s rings, a memory – or at least a vague recollection of what he was like – remains imprinted within me. His energy and spirit, or however you still feel them, remains. It’s intertwined with who I am and I’ve stopped the intellectual conceptualisation – exchange the big words with ‘struggle’ if you like – of trying to separate them. I carry his essence every day through me and through those I’m in relationships with. It’s hidden but evident for all to see.

There’s been visible and invisible support to get you here. My Mum did a remarkable job. She struggled on many occasions but was still there for me. She must have been riddled with anxiety for fear of losing me too. As I grew older and started to experiment with the usual things teenagers experiment with, it must have been terrifying to watch her only son go out into the big world with only a mother behind him. A huge salute to all the single parents out there. I’ve no idea what it’s like to lose a life partner. A friend of mine wrote a piece on it here.

I’m only just coming to terms with what my Mum had to sacrifice.

So, if you have lost someone, I feel you. I know what that’s like. I don’t know your pain, but I know how my pain has served me.

You’re not on your own. Life has changed but I trust you’ll be OK. You’ll be shaped for sure, and my dearest hope for you is that you're able to experience a different life in a different shape.

If you need someone to talk to please click here.

Freedom Fridays - My weekly experiment with time and focus

A different rambling for this episode, reflecting on losing my Dad at a young age.

Check out Episode #13.

That's all for this week and I hope you enjoyed Weekly Whisper #15.

Feedback is my fuel so if you have any comments please hit reply and let me know your thoughts.

Cheers

Pete