Welcome to the Freedom Fridays project with me, Pete Clark, your host, Whe Whispers Guy. This week, it's been dominated by the thoughts and feelings I've had about my Dad, who passed the number of years ago. I'm not sure whether it's, or how it's even, related to Freedom Fridays, and I'm not even sure it has to be. So I'm going to be predominantly talking about what that has meant for me. It certainly dominated the time I've had this week. And if you are in a particularly sensitive place, it's maybe maybe worth checking if this is the right time to listen to this sort of thing. I'm not going to be advocating, you know, the three steps to overcome the passing of your father or, you know, top 10 tips to deal with grief? That's definitely not what I'm going to be sharing. In fact, quite the opposite. It's my own unique individual experience of how it shaped me because I'm sure, like, any of you who are listening, whether you've lost a parent, or a partner, a pet, a child, you know, even things like jobs, and, you know, photo albums, things that, you know, material and human things that mean things to us. My experience at that has been, everyone tends to go through it and get from it, if even that's possible, uniquely, it's a unique take on those things. And recently, it's something that helped me, even with that distinction - somebody shared with me that often we'll talk conceptually but actually, we're talking about a construct. Because the construct is our experience of that concept. And so imagine two circles overlapping on one side of one circle as the concept of grief, or trust, or democracy, or freedom, or money, or family is a concept that's used regularly to probably describe different things. And on the other side, the other circle is our experience. The overlapping bit is our construct. How we have constructed the meaning of grief, or family, or love, or trust, or democracy, or whatever that is, and that's usually what we're talking about. So I'm purely talking about my own construct of what's happened to me, it's no way meant to be instructive. In fact, I know people in my immediate circle who've lost children, and it's unbearable, I can't imagine what that's like. So I'm definitely one or two steps removed, not just timewise, but from losing my father. In a way that it's helping me. And so there may be some loose connection to Freedom Fridays, but I thought given it was so dominant, I would share that this week.
So let me start by the most obvious distinction for me, is, like many dates, or maybe some dates in our diary, May the 1st always jumps out in my calendar, because of the significance that was the day that my father died tragically in a car crash, heading back from a football game in Glasgow, and ironically, or not, I don't know what the right word is here. I pleaded with my Mum and Dad to let me go to the game. And my Mum said no. And of course, had she said, Yes, I wouldn't be recording this podcast, that's for sure. And I don't know whether that's fortunate or not, or serendipitous or not, but I wasn't in the car. My Dad, unfortunately, tragically passed in a car accident. And those moments that really shape us, I will never, ever forget the sound of the policeman knocking on the door, about 6-630 in the evening. And that wail that my Mum let out when she was given the news. I didn't really comprehend or really understand, didn't really know what was going on. Just could never and have never really understood at that moment what it was like for my Mum losing her life partner. And so the day jumps out. And some years pass, if I'm busy, I might forget, some years don't pass. And I remember, and this year happens to be, I don't know whether I'm particularly more sensitive this year, but this year, it didn't pass without reflecting and remembering. And I had a lovely exchange with my mum over text, because she's in the UK, I'm here in Australia. And it was just an acknowledgement of how much she must have suffered and sacrificed to get me to where I'm at. And in her mind, you know, very successful family, friends, etc, etc. And so the things that she must have sacrificed, without payment, and not even payment in kind necessarily from a young teenage boy, who started to experiment with things that I'm sure she was terrified about. So that's really the first thing - the date. Like many dates when these things happen to us jumps out. And so, you know, maybe with the date, and I'm rambling a little bit, this Freedom Fridays project has become a metaphor for all things that are significant for me. And what that event, significant event, caused me was to really go massively internal. Not necessarily internally referenced as, as the last 18 months have shown me, I still need and cherish external validation, whether it's from friends, family, or clients. I may not need as much as some, and that's okay. And so that event caused me to super focus on my internal validation what was going on inside for me. And that remains the case today. So I do find my time, on my own quite rewarding, not because I want to be isolated. But I do think about things deeply. I do think about things. Left and right, north and south, I do explore internal referencing probably as much if not more than my external referencing. So hence, this this Freedom Fridays project, the idea of using my time, on a Friday or a Thursday, as per the last podcast, slightly differently, probably means nothing to many. It might mean, it might seem easy to some, and it might be only significant to me. It could very well be the case, I don't know. But what this week has certainly reminded me of the significance of what other people do in sacrificing their time, energy and attention in helping others.
The second thing I just wanted to express was just my gratitude for anyone listening or not, over the years that has sacrificed time, energy and attention. On and for me, without me really realising you. You may be out there, and you may you may never know that I've acknowledged it and that's okay. But I acknowledging I certainly am.
A couple of other things about how I experienced grief is one. I still feel the pain. And that's been my experience that the distance between the times between those moments of pain and sadness and reflection and uhurt ve just gotten longer and longer. And something silly, something insignificant, something obvious can trigger that. The date came be one of them. But when the pain happens when the hurt and the reflection and the sadness happens, it still feels the same as best as I can remember, it still feels the same. So when you know that kind of cliched, time heals all. I'm not sure if time heals. But time certainly puts distance between moments of non-healing and I don't know if that's the right expression. I'm not suggesting that the pain of experiences isn't non healing. But my experience has been with such a significant loss when it does hurt, boy it hurts - as much as it has ever had. And that's been my experience for the last few decades. That when it happens boy it, it brings me to my knees sometimes. Shorter periods of time, albeit, and distance between them. But, you know, I'm really attached there's a significant part of me that's attached to that moment. And one of the things I've written in my Weekly Whispers is that without a doubt, as far as I can tell one of those moments that have significantly shaped me forever. And I'm not necessarily glad about that, because that's swapping all for him to be here. But I can't and so I have to choose to move on. I now have you know, kids and a partner, and, you know, friends that I care about deeply, so I'm partly doing it for that reason. But it shaped me forever. And it's turned me into the sort of person I am, for good and for worse, for sickness and in health. It definitely shaped the way that I perceive the world and the things I do, and how I respond and what it's led me to. A bit like a sliding doors moment, I have no idea what the other door is, I've no idea where the Pete Clark that who was either was in the car, or father didn't pass, didn't die in a car crash, I have no idea what they're doing now. Even if there is that multi universe view of the world. All I can focus on is what's in front of me. And it's definitely shaped me. And I noticed how it shaped me specifically in the scenarios when I'm talking to someone or in a conversation with someone else who's lost someone. And often, the comments that we get are from people who haven't, and it's either a discomfort on the other person's behalf, or they're trying to soften it or, you know, just you know, it will be okay one day. And I've been, because of my fellow experience, I think very, very comfortable in chatting and being with people who've lost people because I know what it's like. I don't know what their pain is like, I don't know what their processing is like. But we've been in the same camp. We've been in the same geographical area if you like we've had a similar experience. And I remember distinctly that being told to be positive. It will be okay. Time will heal all. It just felt bullshit. It just felt wrong, did not feel it has not translated in my experience, to what help and being held felt like for me going through it. So if that's you, and you're someone that's lost someone, I feel you. Reach out if you want to have a chat. But if you haven't lost anyone, yet, we all probably will. And you're talking to someone that has maybe a little bit of counsel for you is, sometimes you'd have to say anything. You just have to be there. Sometimes seeing the positive thing and trying to almost on what's the what's the right expression, almost trying to unacknowledge how they're feeling is the wrong thing to do. Because being sad is okay. It's probably not okay for a lifetime, but in that moment, being sad is probably okay. Or being despondent or being upset or being, you know, angry at how that may have happened. That's perfectly legitimate and to under legitimise to dis-acknowledge the felt experience that someone's going through is actually a little bit disenfranchising. That's been my experience. And so when I do the opposite with people, because I've felt bad, and I'm just with them, and it's okay for them to be upset. I think that's comforting. And that's what I've been told. It's certainly more comforting than trying to positive psych them. And, you know, give them a couple of questions to think a bit differently.
And so maybe the third thing I'd share is in the grief cycle, it we've all probably seen the Homer Simpson clip where he goes through the grief cycle and you know, 30 seconds. I can definitely recognise aspects of my felt experience from the date that my Dad passed to now. But I think even in moments, whether it's when I got upset that weekend, on reflection, or whether it's over a period of time, I definitely experience that grief cycle in moments, whether it's a 10 minute episode or half an hour episode, and I can recognise those things happening and what the number of times it's happened has taught me is - it will pass. The intensity and the sorrow, the sadness that I'm feeling in that moment, because I'm reflecting on it. I'm probably reflecting the young people, the little Pete that struggled to understand and comprehend what life was like without a father in that moment. That's probably who I'm carrying and nurturing and trying to give a virtual, through the times hug to. I've noticed that the grief cycle happens then and knowing that helps me be okay with being sad for a while. Knowing that, up to this point in my life, those things have happened. And I've come out the other end, and have been able to see not necessarily the good and the bad, but a way forward, given my new circumstances. It's shaped me, I can't take that back. I can't reverse that. So if I choose to take a step forward, with my current family and friends, etc, etc, then, here's how I'm going to, I was going to say optimise it, I don't want to sound mechanical, but how do I make the best of the cards that have never been dealt with. And, you know, we all know that life is rarely linear. It's usually a combination of linear for a little bit and then nonlinear, and it goes backwards and forwards and sideways and up and down. And you never know what's around the corner. And yet, because I've turned that corner, at such an early age are really impressionable young age. I feel decades later, that the many corners that I've turned without knowing, since have have built my sense of and it will be okay. I will deal with, I will handle, in some way shape or form, maybe an elegantly. Maybe a little bit better this time, but I'll deal with it in such a way that I can take another step. I can get out of bed. I can show up. I can be there for my my wife, my kids, my mom, my friends, my customers and clients and colleagues and so on.
I probably will stop there, that's probably enough rambling for me. But that's been my week this week, very much focused on and dominated by a particular date that has shaped me as as a human being. Look forward to chatting to you next week. Cheers.
